Release Your Inner Smart Ass

Perhaps you've lost touch with that deeper part of yourself. You know, the part that knows the only appropriate response to most politicians is to make fun of them. The part that secretly sees just how ridiculous consumerism, patriotism, and other religions are. Somewhere inside you know that presidents and prime ministers pass gas, nuns secretly lust after Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman, and nothing is quite as serious as we pretend. We like to call this your inner smart ass, and we feel sad for those who have lost contact with this vital part of their sense of humor.

Fortunately, this website is here to help you reestablish your relationship with the class clown inside you. Just read the posts and let yourself be happily infected by our irreverent perspective. As for those of you who have completely lost touch with your inner smart ass and those who are easily offended, all is not lost. You can at least use the site as a medical treatment; just read through these pages when you are having problems with low blood pressure, and feel the angry relief.

Here is what we have so far...

Calendars Predict World Will End Soon

February 1, 2013 - By S.A. - Here are a few news items that haven't been widely reported in the traditional, non-sarcastic and non-smartass news outlets. - Is It the End of the World? - While researching calendars in the United States, Mayan scientists from Mexico have discovered that almost all of them end on December 31, 2013. Many of them speculate that this is a prediction of the end of the world. As one researcher said, "These people in the United States are pretty smart, and if they haven't bothered to make their calendars go beyond that date... well, there must be a reason for that." - NRA Says Kids Should Be Armed - The National Rifle Association, which had recently come out in favor of having armed guards in all public schools, has now suggested even more comprehensive security... Continue reading here: End of the World

Famous Atheist Renounces Atheism

January 4, 2013 - By S.A. - Famous atheist Godo Lesos has apparently become a believer. Friends and family have reported that last month he renounced his atheism entirely, explaining that a conversation with a Christian friend had changed his mind. I caught up with him recently, to ask him for details. He was smiling and apparently happy with his newfound faith, but hesitated to talk to me at all, saying he was very busy with his religious studies. I reminded him that Christians have a duty to share their faith, and he relented.

"Tom, a Catholic friend, sat up with me for hours one night," Lesos said. "We were drinking wine and talking to me about my non-belief, and Tom asked me... Continue reading here: Atheist Renounces Atheism

Full Cavity Security

December 24, 2012 - Since 2001 there have been increasingly intrusive security measures in response to ever-changing threats. First we had restrictions on bringing many household items on planes. Then we started removing our shoes because of the infamous "shoe bomber." Today, in response to last month's attempt by a Libyan man to carry explosives onto a plane in his rectum, the TSA has announced that all airline passengers will be subjected to a rectal examination. The procedure has already been implemented in most airports as of this morning. The head of the TSA says they assume this will displease some passengers, and that their protests may come in "various forms." Accordingly, he has asked congress to quickly pass a law that would make passing gas during a security rectal exam a federal crime... Continue reading here: Today's Smartass Headlines

Families of Accident Victims Protest God

Flickr photo by Ell Brown

December 10, 2012 - By S.A. Reporter - In Thursday's United States Airlines crash in New York, only 14 of the 240 passengers survived. When later interviewed, all fourteen thanked God for saving their lives... But this celebratory praise for God has angered many of those whose loved ones died in the crash. Forty family members and friends of the dead have joined together to protest God for choosing just fourteen people to save, while allowing their brothers, mothers and BFFs to be burned alive in the wreckage of the plane. Yesterday they gathered outside of churches in New York, carrying signs that read... Continue reading here: Protest God

Decitizenization Makes It All Okay

December 7, 2011 - Washington - Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Carl Levin are pushing for a law which allows indefinite detention of anyone suspected of aiding or abetting or participating in terrorist activity. Essentially it will give the government the ability to lock up anyone they suspect of anything, without providing a trial. "Trials are so inconvenient," Levin said, when asked about this latest legislative project. McCain added, "Anyone who is not willing to sacrifice his or her rights in the name of freedom is just not being a good American." There has been opposition to their plan from at least fourteen people who... Continue reading here: Decitizenization

Couple Killed in Accident Apparently Perfect

December 5, 2011 - On Highway 26 late Thursday night, a driver of a semi-truck drifted into oncoming traffic and hit a mini-van head-on. Tim and Sherry Roberts, the occupants of the van, were killed instantly. Both were nineteen-years-old. They were en route to their volunteer jobs at a nearby orphanage. Friends and family say that Tim, who was voted the most handsome and likeable senior in high school, was also the smartest in his class. "He was always helping everyone around him," added one former schoolmate. Other evidence indicates that he was loved by more people than anyone within three hundred miles. Sherry, who had been homecoming queen in school and... Continue reading here: Perfect Couple

Baby Bombs Weapon Plan

November 21, 2011 - Though critics point out that it seems somewhat barbaric and may even be illegal, the United States Army has initiated a plan to use babies as weapons in the war on terror and related military actions. The process leading to the new plan started several years ago with surveys that documented cultural sentiments in potential enemies. The idea was to determine what was most likely to influence behavior on the battlefield. Knowing what might cause the most fear, for example, could be useful in designing new weapons or tactics. But beyond looking for effective ways to fight the enemy, the goal was also to discover new ways to get them to surrender. "There will be less death and destruction if we can get an early surrender," explains General F.O. Andie, adding... Continue reading here: Baby Bombs

Crappy Television Hits a New Low

October 14, 2011 - By Ted V Mirador - In the ever-expanding world of reality television, one new program has captured the attention of millions, and now leads the pack. It is the highly controversial Toilet TV, the latest offering from the producers of Jersey Shore. Viewers are entertained by hidden cameras that have been placed in toilets in public restrooms around the world. Now that's crappy television. I asked one of the producers if he didn’t think this marks a new low for television. "Oh no, this is just the beginning," he told me. "There is... Continue reading here: Crappy Television

Republicans Protest Protesters

October 26, 2011 - By S. A. Reporter - A group of Republicans calling itself “People Against Protests,” has been organizing counter-demonstrations in key cities where major protests are occurring. They claim that it is unpatriotic to protest against governments or any groups or key figures that symbolically represent capitalism. They also say that it's "whiney" to protest in general, and so they are denouncing participants in the “Occupy Wall Street” movement and related... Continue reading here: Protest Against Protestors

Windows 13 Runs for President

September 26, 2011 - In a move long-anticipated in political circles, Microsoft Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its new Windows 13 operating system will soon file the necessary paperwork to enter the 2012 presidential race. Both Republican and Democratic party leaders were consulted with prior to the announcement, but both political parties rejected the idea of having the software represent them, so Windows 13 will declare its candidacy as an independent. Polling following the press conference showed strong support among many younger voters, with the exception of owners of Macintosh computers, who are hoping that... Continue reading here: Windows for President

Isn't She Worth Two Years?

October 5, 2011 - The De Beers diamond marketing firm has been implementing a new educational campaign to make it more widely known that an engagement ring should cost the equivalent of two years of the groom's current salary. This replaces the old standard of two months of one's salary, which replaced the one-month standard promoted in the 1930s, which replaced the "I'll give your family a cow and two goats if you marry me" standard of... Continue reading here: Two Years Salary for Engagement Ring

Congress Debates 'Buy Your Rights' Bill

September 23, 2011 - Republicans and Democrats are close to a deal on a "Buy Your Rights" bill, which would require residents and citizens alike to meet certain criteria and pay a price before their rights are protected or respected. The main sticking points have been in regards to how we should pay for our rights, with the Republicans opting for military service and religious faith requirements while the Democrats suggest that community service work and enrollment in sensitivity training camps would be better. Both sides have considered some options for paying cash as well. Opponents–when they can be found–say that people should not have to buy their rights. They point out that the U.S. Declaration of Independence declares... Continue reading here: Buy Your Rights

Atheists for Jesus: An Interview With the Founder

September 21, 2011 - By S.A. - Though they bristle at the comparison to "Jews for Jesus," the leader of this atheistic organization that tries to promote the ideas of Jesus admits that their name raises a few eyebrows. Theo Doevil, the founder of Atheists for Jesus, says that there are some important distinctions between his group and others with similar names. I asked him a few questions about this and about what he and others in the group believe.

S.A.: Can you tell us a bit about your organization? Doevil: To start with, Jews for Jesus, Vegan Tweekers for Christ, and other such organizations are... Continue reading here: Atheists for Jesus

Republicans Say Poor People Suck

September 16, 2011 - Key Republicans are starting a public awareness campaign about the dangers of poor people, in order to find a focus for their constituents' hatred and suspicion of anyone who is not like them. As one party official put it, "We were doing well in the polls with our traditional suspicion and hatred of the Mexicans and other brown immigrants, but then Hispanics in the U.S started to vote in greater numbers, so we began losing more than we gained. Poor people, we've been informed, don't actually vote very often, so they make a natural target." The slogan, "poor people suck" has already been seen on bumper stickers around the country, and will soon be... Continue reading here: Poor People Suck

I Am a Loving God!

September 13, 2011 - By Godo Lesos - In an exclusive interview with this reporter, the Almighty has claimed that yes, he is indeed a loving god, despite the claims of skeptics, who point to the horrible things he has done and the horrible crimes that he has suggested his followers should commit. In trying to resolve some of the confusion in the Bible–where the Judeo-Cristian god appears to have a slightly different personality or mindset in each of the books of the Old and New Testament–I asked God specifically about certain quotes. For example, in Leviticus, Chapter 20, God commands that homosexuals be killed... Continue reading here: Loving God

New Support Group for Groupaholics

September 12, 2011 - Nick W. stood in front of the podium in the basement of the Seventh Street Evangelical Church in Chicago Saturday night and told the crowd gathered there, "My name is Nick, and I'm a groupaholic." The others quickly responded with a friendly "Hi Nick," and then listened as he told a story of joining 17 support groups in less than three years. Audience members could be seen nodding their heads in agreement and understanding as he laid out the details. This group, known as "GA" or "Groupaholics Anonymous," is the latest in support... Continue reading here: Groupaholics

Our Latest Sarcastic Comments

According to the Christian religions God so loves the world that he sends almost everyone in it to be burned alive for eternity because they do not kiss his ass sufficiently.

A Christian friend pointed out the potential consequences of my non-belief if his god happened to exist, and he made so much sense that now I worship 148 different gods just in case.

I was watching all the happy winners come out of a casino and I thought, it must feel really good to provide such a needed service to people.

More Smart Ass Pages

Funny Sarcastic Quotes - Our collection just keeps growing...

What Would Jesus Buy? - A new certification process for Christian-approved products.

No More Cost of Living Adjustment - A new way to measure inflation eliminates inconvenient benefit raises.

Obama – If Reelected There Will Be No More Earthquakes - A bold promise that has its skeptics.

Smartass Quotes - A collection of some of the finest sarcastic and irreverent things said.