Release Your Inner Smart Ass
Perhaps you've lost touch with that deeper part of yourself.
You know, the part that knows the only appropriate response to
most politicians is to make fun of them. The part that secretly
sees just how ridiculous consumerism, patriotism, and other religions
are. Somewhere inside you know that presidents and prime ministers
pass gas, nuns secretly lust after Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman,
and nothing is quite as serious as we pretend. We like to call
this your inner smart ass, and we feel sad for those who have
lost contact with this vital part of their sense of humor.
Fortunately, this website is here to help you reestablish
your relationship with the class clown inside you. Just read
the posts and let yourself be happily infected by our irreverent
perspective. As for those of you who have completely lost touch
with your inner smart ass and those who are easily offended,
all is not lost. You can at least use the site as a medical treatment;
just read through these pages when you are having problems with
low blood pressure, and feel the angry relief.
Here is what we have so far...
Sweet Things to Say?
July 2013 - By S.A. - The list below just made me laugh. I
found it on a forum a while back, and copied half of it to use
here. It was titled "Sweet Things to Say to Your Girlfriend,"
and as far as I could tell, the author was serious. Now, I don't
normally make fun of real people -- other than politicians and
other "authorities" -- but this list was just too much
fun. I hope the author (whose name I will not include) does not
find this page. The "sweet sayings" are followed by...
Continue reading here: Sweet
Calendars Predict World Will End Soon
February 1, 2013 - By S.A. - Here are a few news items that
haven't been widely reported in the traditional, non-sarcastic
and non-smartass news outlets. - Is It the End of the World?
- While researching calendars in the United States, Mayan scientists
from Mexico have discovered that almost all of them end on December
31, 2013. Many of them speculate that this is a prediction of
the end of the world. As one researcher said, "These people
in the United States are pretty smart, and if they haven't bothered
to make their calendars go beyond that date... well, there must
be a reason for that." - NRA Says Kids Should Be Armed -
The National Rifle Association, which had recently come out in
favor of having armed guards in all public schools, has now suggested
even more comprehensive security... Continue reading here: End of
Famous Atheist Renounces Atheism
January 4, 2013 - By S.A. - Famous atheist Godo Lesos has
apparently become a believer. Friends and family have reported
that last month he renounced his atheism entirely, explaining
that a conversation with a Christian friend had changed his mind.
I caught up with him recently, to ask him for details. He was
smiling and apparently happy with his newfound faith, but hesitated
to talk to me at all, saying he was very busy with his religious
studies. I reminded him that Christians have a duty to share
their faith, and he relented.
"Tom, a Catholic friend, sat up with me for hours one
night," Lesos said. "We were drinking wine and talking
to me about my non-belief, and Tom asked me... Continue reading
here: Atheist Renounces Atheism
Full Cavity Security
December 24, 2012 - Since 2001 there have been increasingly
intrusive security measures in response to ever-changing threats.
First we had restrictions on bringing many household items on
planes. Then we started removing our shoes because of the infamous
"shoe bomber." Today, in response to last month's attempt
by a Libyan man to carry explosives onto a plane in his rectum,
the TSA has announced that all airline passengers will be subjected
to a rectal examination. The procedure has already been implemented
in most airports as of this morning. The head of the TSA says
they assume this will displease some passengers, and that their
protests may come in "various forms." Accordingly,
he has asked congress to quickly pass a law that would make passing
gas during a security rectal exam a federal crime... Continue
reading here: Today's
Families of Accident Victims Protest God
Flickr photo by Ell
December 10, 2012 - By S.A. Reporter - In Thursday's United
States Airlines crash in New York, only 14 of the 240 passengers
survived. When later interviewed, all fourteen thanked God for
saving their lives... But this celebratory praise for God has
angered many of those whose loved ones died in the crash. Forty
family members and friends of the dead have joined together to
protest God for choosing just fourteen people to save, while
allowing their brothers, mothers and BFFs to be burned alive
in the wreckage of the plane. Yesterday they gathered outside
of churches in New York, carrying signs that read... Continue
reading here: Protest
Decitizenization Makes It All Okay
December 7, 2011 - Washington - Republican Senator John McCain
and Democrat Carl Levin are pushing for a law which allows indefinite
detention of anyone suspected of aiding or abetting or participating
in terrorist activity. Essentially it will give the government
the ability to lock up anyone they suspect of anything, without
providing a trial. "Trials are so inconvenient," Levin
said, when asked about this latest legislative project. McCain
added, "Anyone who is not willing to sacrifice his or her
rights in the name of freedom is just not being a good American."
There has been opposition to their plan from at least fourteen
people who... Continue reading here: Decitizenization
Couple Killed in Accident Apparently Perfect
December 5, 2011 - On Highway 26 late Thursday night, a driver
of a semi-truck drifted into oncoming traffic and hit a mini-van
head-on. Tim and Sherry Roberts, the occupants of the van, were
killed instantly. Both were nineteen-years-old. They were en
route to their volunteer jobs at a nearby orphanage. Friends
and family say that Tim, who was voted the most handsome and
likeable senior in high school, was also the smartest in his
class. "He was always helping everyone around him,"
added one former schoolmate. Other evidence indicates that he
was loved by more people than anyone within three hundred miles.
Sherry, who had been homecoming queen in school and... Continue
reading here: Perfect
Baby Bombs Weapon Plan
November 21, 2011 - Though critics point out that it seems
somewhat barbaric and may even be illegal, the United States
Army has initiated a plan to use babies as weapons in the war
on terror and related military actions. The process leading to
the new plan started several years ago with surveys that documented
cultural sentiments in potential enemies. The idea was to determine
what was most likely to influence behavior on the battlefield.
Knowing what might cause the most fear, for example, could be
useful in designing new weapons or tactics. But beyond looking
for effective ways to fight the enemy, the goal was also to discover
new ways to get them to surrender. "There will be less death
and destruction if we can get an early surrender," explains
General F.O. Andie, adding... Continue reading here: Baby
Crappy Television Hits a New Low
October 14, 2011 - By Ted V Mirador - In the ever-expanding
world of reality television, one new program has captured the
attention of millions, and now leads the pack. It is the highly
controversial Toilet TV, the latest offering from the
producers of Jersey Shore. Viewers are entertained by
hidden cameras that have been placed in toilets in public restrooms
around the world. Now that's crappy television. I asked one of
the producers if he didnt think this marks a new low for
television. "Oh no, this is just the beginning," he
told me. "There is... Continue reading here: Crappy
Republicans Protest Protesters
October 26, 2011 - By S. A. Reporter - A group of Republicans
calling itself People Against Protests, has been
organizing counter-demonstrations in key cities where major protests
are occurring. They claim that it is unpatriotic to protest against
governments or any groups or key figures that symbolically represent
capitalism. They also say that it's "whiney" to protest
in general, and so they are denouncing participants in the Occupy
Wall Street movement and related... Continue reading here:
Windows 13 Runs for President
September 26, 2011 - In a move long-anticipated in political
circles, Microsoft Corporation held a press conference yesterday
to announce that its new Windows 13 operating system will soon
file the necessary paperwork to enter the 2012 presidential race.
Both Republican and Democratic party leaders were consulted with
prior to the announcement, but both political parties rejected
the idea of having the software represent them, so Windows 13
will declare its candidacy as an independent. Polling following
the press conference showed strong support among many younger
voters, with the exception of owners of Macintosh computers,
who are hoping that... Continue reading here: Windows
Isn't She Worth Two Years?
October 5, 2011 - The De Beers diamond marketing firm has
been implementing a new educational campaign to make it more
widely known that an engagement ring should cost the equivalent
of two years of the groom's current salary. This replaces the
old standard of two months of one's salary, which replaced the
one-month standard promoted in the 1930s, which replaced the
"I'll give your family a cow and two goats if you marry
me" standard of... Continue reading here: Two
Years Salary for Engagement Ring
Congress Debates 'Buy Your Rights' Bill
September 23, 2011 - Republicans and Democrats are close to
a deal on a "Buy Your Rights" bill, which would require
residents and citizens alike to meet certain criteria and pay
a price before their rights are protected or respected. The main
sticking points have been in regards to how we should pay for
our rights, with the Republicans opting for military service
and religious faith requirements while the Democrats suggest
that community service work and enrollment in sensitivity training
camps would be better. Both sides have considered some options
for paying cash as well. Opponentswhen they can be foundsay
that people should not have to buy their rights. They point out
that the U.S. Declaration of Independence declares... Continue
reading here: Buy
Atheists for Jesus: An Interview With the Founder
September 21, 2011 - By S.A. - Though they bristle at the
comparison to "Jews for Jesus," the leader of this
atheistic organization that tries to promote the ideas of Jesus
admits that their name raises a few eyebrows. Theo Doevil, the
founder of Atheists for Jesus, says that there are some important
distinctions between his group and others with similar names.
I asked him a few questions about this and about what he and
others in the group believe.
S.A.: Can you tell us a bit about your organization?
Doevil: To start with, Jews for Jesus, Vegan
Tweekers for Christ, and other such organizations are...
Continue reading here: Atheists
Republicans Say Poor People Suck
September 16, 2011 - Key Republicans are starting a public
awareness campaign about the dangers of poor people, in order
to find a focus for their constituents' hatred and suspicion
of anyone who is not like them. As one party official put it,
"We were doing well in the polls with our traditional suspicion
and hatred of the Mexicans and other brown immigrants, but then
Hispanics in the U.S started to vote in greater numbers, so we
began losing more than we gained. Poor people, we've been informed,
don't actually vote very often, so they make a natural target."
The slogan, "poor people suck" has already been seen
on bumper stickers around the country, and will soon be... Continue
reading here: Poor
I Am a Loving God!
September 13, 2011 - By Godo Lesos - In an exclusive interview
with this reporter, the Almighty has claimed that yes, he is
indeed a loving god, despite the claims of skeptics, who point
to the horrible things he has done and the horrible crimes that
he has suggested his followers should commit. In trying to resolve
some of the confusion in the Biblewhere the Judeo-Cristian
god appears to have a slightly different personality or mindset
in each of the books of the Old and New TestamentI asked
God specifically about certain quotes. For example, in Leviticus,
Chapter 20, God commands that homosexuals be killed... Continue
reading here: Loving
Our Latest Sarcastic Comments
On Black Friday people push and stomp on others in a frenzy
to buy more things, because the thanksgiving of a day earlier
was apparently for their future possessions.
You can see the strength of people's faith in their gods
of love by how high the body count goes in their wars.
The great thing about patriotism is that it allows you
to feel superior to other people simply because you were smart
enough to be born in the right place.
I've decided to vote only for honest politicians, which
I figure will save me the three hours I would have spent in line
on election day.
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If Reelected There Will Be No More Earthquakes - A
bold promise that has its skeptics.
Quotes - A collection of some of the finest sarcastic and
irreverent things said.
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